On the Edge of Something

It’s been quiet, huh?

I’ve been a bit of a mess. And it’s pretty typical of me to not let anyone in until I’ve found a way to be okay. But, you know what? It’s kind of lonely. And it’s also not what MAVERICK is all about. If I’m going to say that this is a place to be exactly who you are, then that has to include the messes, or this isn’t worth anything.

Hi. My name is Maggie. And I’m struggling right now.

Breathe.

I’m not going to waste time getting into the reasons I’ve spiraled these last few weeks. A combination of miscommunications, tough self-reflection, and working hella over-time has lead me to an all-too-familiar place of emotional pain and exhaustion.

I cannot tell you how thankful I am to have invested in a life coach. This past week we had our weekly meet-up, and I completely broke down. I couldn’t get through our usual questions or commitments or discussion of successes and challenges for the next week. I was so distracted by all the noise of hardship. And while I tried to haphazardly stay on track, it was obvious I needed a different kind of session; I needed to break.

She sat there patiently as I spewed out all the things that had gone wrong for me and all the self-doubting internal conversations I was having w/ myself and all the reasons I had to find a new way to do life because I didn’t think this one was working anymore.

Then she said something that made me speechless.

“Just be.”

I hate those two words. I absolutely hate them. I’ve had my only 3 other mentors utter those same words to me in the last 2 years as well. And every time, they send me into a panic attack.

“Just be.”

What the hell does that even mean? How do I do that?

I don’t know how to “just be.” Where’s the rule-book? Where’s the example? Where’s the finish line? How do I know when I’m “just being?”

There’s no answer to any of these questions. And I have been told that the fact that there isn’t any answers is precisely why it’s such a beautiful thing to do.

“Just be.”

UGH! It makes my chest tight writing about it now, even!

I need to say again that this is driving me crazy. The fact that I’m writing, and sharing, and letting people into my little spin-out before I’ve found the answers. Because I like being the inspiration, the one that’s leading the pack, the one that’s figuring things out for others.

But here we are. You’re in the trenches with me. Thank you… for your inevitable support and love. Because we’re human. And humans don’t have it all together. And often times it’s in our hardships that we bond together, right?

Here’s what else I know about hardships: they often lead to greatness. And I’ll be damned if I don’t come out of this on the other side a little stronger.

Gaga

Lady Gaga quote – Google Image

So what do we do? When there’s internal struggle and we know we’re on the brink of change/growth? How do we move forward and face this stuff head on?

Well, I’m sure it looks different for everyone, but I’ll share what I’ve got. You can use it, or not.

After days of avoiding it – aka surrounding myself with people, watching Glee reruns until wee hours of the night, and cleaning every inch of my apartment – I decided to sit in silence. Call it meditation, call it plain ol’ thinking, whatever. To keep my brain focused I played an instrumental playlist and kept a journal in hand. I also kept the sheet of paper with notes from my life coaching session near by.

First, I cried. A LOT. A little validation for those feelings I’ve been holding in felt really good. Because what got me to this breaking point did in fact include a lot of confusion, a few let downs from people I cared about, and pure exhaustion from the stress of working extra and sleeping less.

Feel those feels! They aren’t going anywhere until you do!

Then I looked down at my paper and read some raw and real statements:
– Just Be
– Stop looking for validation.
– There’s no success or failure.
– You don’t need to be a rock for anyone.
– You don’t require anyone else’s approval but your own.

Can we just…! I have read those statements a thousand times over the last few days and they hit my hard every time. To be honest that’s all I did in my little meditative-state, was stare at these words and try to get them to land in my heart.

I wanted a book to read. A video to watch. A game-plan for how I was going to accomplish this being thing.

BOOM. I am trying to succeed at just being. I am trying to be the best at just being. I am trying to win at just being.

That doesn’t even make sense… but I’m currently doing it. Because that’s how I do everything isn’t it? I run at things and people and challenges with pure intensity and adrenaline and a no-compromise attitude of being the best at whatever is in front of me.

It’s just starting to hit home how truly sick this is. I mean it’s a DEEP root, guys. Because not only do I have to be the best at everything, but I need people to validate that I am. I desperately seek the approval of others to give life to whatever I have accomplished.

The approval of others makes me feel loved, worthy, and important.

(I could write a book on why… deep rooted habits usually stem from childhood hurts. Another topic for another time!)

Isn’t it just fitting that in the most crucial moments of my life, when I’m feeling the most vulnerable and scared and uncertain, I need that approval the most? Because then maybe it won’t feel so lonely or hard, right?

Hi. My name is Maggie. And I’m struggling right now. Approval is my drug of choice, and it’s currently killing me.

So, I see where I am. And I see where I want to be. If I release myself from the approval of others, not only will I free myself from the pain and heartache that comes from not receiving it when and how I need it, I will also free others from the expectations I set for them.

There’s so much good that can come from this heart-shift. I can be my biggest champion and stand on the self-confidence that MAVERICK needs to grow. I can stop feeling so desperate to surround myself with people because I will have true, deep, and meaningful connections with others who do not have to feel the pressure of filling my voids. I can release the disgusting feelings of jealousy when I see others getting what I think I deserve. I can stop running away and starting over when things don’t seem to be going my way – that’s my signature move. I can unburden myself from having to always be the best, and just LIVE.

Hey, I can just be…?

Okay, at least now I can say the words “just be,” without cringing. Even if I’m still not sure what’s next. It’s a start.

Like I said, I see where I am. I see where I’m headed. And I know I’m on the edge of something great. BUT, I’m not there yet. I’m still in the trenches. I have a lot of work to do… and I’m not even quite sure what that means. I just feel it.

I said a lot tonight. I said a lot of things that I usually keep tucked away in my brain until I can find a more “polite” way of saying or expressing them. But, I didn’t promise you polite, or clean, or proper. I promised you raw and real. I promised you authenticity. And I promised you intensity.

So here I am. Purely human. And currently working through some tough stuff.

I felt called to write as I process all this. And I hope it’s hitting home for some of you as well.

I think I might cry some more. And have some dark chocolate. And okay… maybe one more episode of Glee.

Goodnight my friends.

#MAVERICK

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