Marching on to the Beat I Drum

Part of MAVERICK is living out loud; being real and authentic, no matter what.

I’ve mentioned before that I have had multiple run-ins with friends and followers who have said things that have lead me to believe that what I portray is not relatable. They’ve said that I am so positive, and so energetic, and living so fulfilled that they wonder if I’m really human.

Story time!

Before MAVERICK, that was all true. I was portraying this perfect, fulfilling life. Whether it be through social media, the way I spoke, or the way I looked, I had everyone believing I had it all together. I had the husband, the house, the job, the body, the hobbies, the travel, the fun. But, I was dying on the inside. I was living how I thought I was supposed to be living and worrying about what everyone thought of me, instead of actually being present in my own life.

I had a friend who one day stopped talking to me. She pulled away, she stopped answering calls, she stopped inviting me to her game nights, she stopped saying hello to me at community events, and I had no idea why. Trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, I assumed she was going through her own stuff, needed some space, and that she’d reach out when she was ready to.

Months passed, and finally we had some contact again. It kind of happened by accident… we both laughed at something while we were near each other, and that old connection filled the air. We started talking like there was never an awkward disconnect between us. But eventually, being the confrontational person that I am, I flat out asked her, “so what happened…?”

That’s when she shared with me that she was jealous. She wanted everything I had, and it was hard for her to be my friend because of it all. She resented me for what she considered to be this “perfect life.”

My response was just to laugh. I laughed uncomfortably and for way too long before saying, “well, don’t worry, my reign has fallen.”

What a stupid thing to say. Not my finest moment.

But, I was so uncomfortable. How could anyone be jealous of me? My crumbling marriage, my empty house, my unfulfilling job, my exhausted body, and my desperation to fit in?

When I decided to rebuild my life (check out my previous posts for more on that journey), it became so important to me to never portray that kind of inauthenticity ever again. I was lying. I was lying to look good. I was lying to impress the people around me. I was lying to fit in.

Ironically that desperation for community and connection is exactly what kept me from finding it. That’s why Authenticity and Raw & Real are a part of M.A.V.E.R.I.C.K. It brought me such pain to know that what people saw was not reality. and that it actually pushed them away.

That’s not who I am. Who I am is vulnerable, honest, present, and real.

So, back to now…

I am living completely authentically. Everything I do, say, and think is displayed without any filters. And yet, I’m still hearing things that bring me that same pain: “You’re not human,” “I can’t relate to you having it together all the time.”

The other day I laid in my bed for over 18 hours. The only reasons I got up were to refill my whiskey glass and to answer the door for the multiple food-delivery services I used that day. I ate two whole pizzas to myself, an entire pint of ice cream, and watched every single sappy, dramatic chick-flick that Netflix had to offer, with no breaks in between. I didn’t think about my day-job, I didn’t think about MAVERICK, I didn’t think about nutrition, I didn’t think about hygiene or the outside world or obligation or responsibilities or anything at all. My brain and my body were fatigued and overwhelmed by all the change and excitement that was present all month, that they just shut down.

And you know what? I hated it. When the day ended, I felt even more tired than I did at the beginning of the day. I felt sad and disgusting and guilty because I had “wasted” the day. It was not a good representation of who I was, who I wanted to be, or what I was focused on.

But, I needed it. Because I AM human. And because despite all the great things going on in my life that I share with you all, there are also fears, doubts, insecurities, and nagging needs for rest.

I have been working so hard. I see what MAVERICK is becoming and where I am headed and I am beyond excited by that. Every day I focus and put forth the effort to bring the world everything that I know MAVERICK can be. I want to work harder and faster because I can’t stand the thought of withholding any of this from the people who need it.

And some of it is admittedly selfish too. I want this to be my full-time job. I want to get paid, I want this to provide me the freedom to travel and be my own boss, I want to go to sleep at night knowing that I created something that is changing people’s lives. And in the process, I want to refine myself; love myself more.

I am a dreamer. I have bigger-than-life goals, I believe in my ability to change the world, and I am ambitious enough to try anything and everything to embrace these realities. I have it in me to refuse to settle for anything less than what I want or what I know I deserve.

But, this didn’t happen overnight. I’ve had to battle insecurities, I’ve had to confront pain points, I’ve had to let go of things that I didn’t believe I could change. I put in the work. And I am reminded of this daily. It’s not always easy to get up and keep going, despite how motivated I am. And some days, I lose the battle and don’t get out of bed. But, most days I do win… now. Because I keep trying. I am continuously reminding myself of how far I’ve come and how rewarding this life is.

No, not every day is easy, but I am finding that the decision to keep going gets easier and easier. And I am realizing that having an “off” day now and again is really okay. Necessary, even. It is the day that I can embrace that I am still human. It’s a day I can uncover the things I still need to work on. It’s a day that I can rest and recharge from being in go-mode all the time. So, I welcome them. I don’t love them, but I recognize the importance of them.

And maybe right now these days are a frequent occurrence for you. That’s okay. Seriously, it’s okay. Welcome this season of your life. Lean into it and learn from it. I truly believe it’s your intuition trying to get your attention.

What shows are you watching and why? I am drawn to sappy romance movies because I’m lonely. I’m longing for love. And even though these movies are a terrible example of real life, they make me feel joy in an area I’m lacking it for an hour or so.

What are you eating and why? I always eat carbs and dairy because I avoid them like the plague most days. My body does not process them well and they make me feel like crap. But they taste so dang good. And sometimes it’s worth it for me to just feel terrible for a fleeting moment of delicious joy.

Then let’s get deeper…

What are you avoiding doing?

For me, it’s working on MAVERICK. Because yes, I love it. And yes, I want it to be successful. And yes, it brings me so much joy that most days I’m overflowing with ideas and gratitude. But, it’s also a lot of work. And it requires me to be “on” all the time. And while I know where I want it to go and the long-term goals I want to accomplish with it, I’m having a hard time knowing what to do in the short-term… which makes me frustrated. Also, it forces me to face my areas of weakness. Scheduling, technology, consistency… they aren’t my strong-suits. But, for MAVERICK to be successful, I need all of those skills to improve. Some days the thought of forcing myself to overcome those weaknesses makes me too fatigued and frustrated. These are truths that I can’t ignore, no matter how awesome I feel most of the time.

What are you avoiding feeling?

For me, it’s failure. I’m working so hard at so many things, but I don’t have any more to show for it. I took this big risk switching my day-job around to free up more time to dedicate to my MAVERICK dream, but it hasn’t grown how I thought it would, yet. Every day I work on MAVERICK I am reminded at how much more I have to do. I am reminded about the fact that I’m not making a significant income on it yet. I am reminded that I don’t have a solid team yet. I am reminded that I haven’t finished the book yet. I am reminded that I don’t have my videos recorded, my social media planned, my events booked, my meetings scheduled, so on and so forth. Not showing up to work is not going to change any of this, but some days I just don’t have it in me to overcome and make it happen.

Anyway… why does all this matter?

Because you’re learning about yourself. You’re seeing truths about the way you feel and the way you do things. Discovering those truths leads you to better understand what you need to overcome them. Do these things require outside help to overcome? Do I need a vacation to recharge? What kinds of people, skills, things, resources do I need to overcome these weaknesses and make the “doing” easier?

Discovering what you need allows you to find solutions and continue forward. We’re humans who are always growing and evolving. And yes, maybe part of that growing and evolving is understanding that not all carbs are the devil and vacations are essential to your health, but maybe next month you can eat a sweet potato once in a while and take Friday night off and completely avoid the downward spiral that is the day-of-netflix-and-takeout-and-insecurities.

Is any of this resonating?

Learning to listen to your body, listen to your intuition, listen to your needs, enables you to get ahead of the things that hold you back. Then there’s this hope that you completely overcome those things. You become more amazing than you ever thought possible. You learn to balance growing and rest and being fully present in your life. Maybe you even help others to do the same so you can all effectively change the world for the better with your skills, talents, and passions.

Let’s figure it out together, okay? In the mean time, go listen to “This Is Me” from the Greatest Showman soundtrack and dance around your room naked. You deserve it!

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