Some posts are too long for Instagram…

It’s late. I know that. All the best marketers would tell you it’s too late to post something that’ll be effective.

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But it’s not about that. It’s not about “being seen,” or gaining followers. It’s about raw moments. It’s about real life. It’s about being human.

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I’ve always been someone who carried this strange burden: like I owed people something, like I had to provide something great to this world, like I have a mission to accomplish!

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And there is literally nothing else I can focus on.

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I cannot tell you how many times in my life I’ve wondered if there’s something wrong w me… Why do I care about other people so much? Why am I always running at full speed? Why do I feel so deeply? Why do I dream so big? Why can’t I just be content with what’s in front of me?

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I have every right to be someone who questions this world’s goodness. I have survived sexual abuse, challenging family dynamics, heartbreak, bullying, medical setbacks, divorce, depression, manipulation, and countless disappointments and failures.

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But I’ve always had this… THING inside. This light and this force telling me I had to dream bigger, love harder, keep overcoming, keep growing, keep forgiving, keep digging in.

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Sometimes I am beautifully inspired by my own spirit. I’m the person who refuses to practice RBF despite how many times I’ve been harassed on my walk home, because I like the fact that I’m approachable to other humans, and I can’t stand the thought of assuming the worst in others. I’m the person who continues to listen to and love on the irrationally angry customer at work because I wonder if he’s got a rough home life or just got yelled at by someone himself. I am the person who thinks about my childhood molester and wonder if he’s living his adult life with guilt or depression, and it makes me sad. I am the person who thinks about who we consider to be “terrible people,” and wonders what must’ve happened in their childhoods to make them the way they are. And while I don’t excuse the things  they’ve said and done, I refuse to take part in making them feel less than. They’re human too.

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I’m proud of that energy. I empathize in ways that many find impossible. I love HARD, regardless of how vulnerable it makes me. I think humans are the best thing on the planet, flaws and all, and I want nothing more than to connect with them.

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Other times I get overwhelmed and frustrated and flat-out tired. What is this THING? Where am I headed? Am I at least on the right path? Will I ever “get there?” And why me, anyway?

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It’s hard when I feel like every job I go to is less fulfilling than this mission. Like every romantic relationship I try to cultivate is a distraction. Like every Netflix-binge day just to get my brain quiet for one afternoon is wasted time.

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It’s a lot of pressure. To know that I’m someone who’s been entrusted with something that’s going to inspire others. To know that I’m headed down a path that not a lot of people will understand or support along the way.

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There’s been various moments through my life that have confirmed this gut-feeling. I know I’m not making this up… I can’t be. Beyond the visions that fill my head, and the drive that is sometimes so strong I can’t sleep for weeks, there’s been human moments of confirmation.

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One confirmation was in high school. I was nobody in particular, really. But freshman year a soccer coach I had known for 5 whole minutes pointed at me and said I was going to be the captain. He took me aside many a time that year and said that I was a true leader, that he was going to push me the hardest because he knew it would help me grow. Why me?

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Another confirmation was on the Appalachian Trail. I had just left everything I knew. I wanted to keep my head down and trudge forward. I wasn’t there to make friends, I was there for me. But, people kept holding eye-contact with me. People kept collecting near me. People kept sharing with me their deep fears and excitements as if we had been friends our whole lives. And most notably, on my last day on the trail, I received a hug from an older gentleman who just wouldn’t let go. He held on tight and whispered in my ear that I had something special inside me, that I was going to go far, and that he was never going to forget meeting me and how I affected his life. We spent all of maybe 12 hours together on and off in the 4 days I knew him. Why me?

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Two more confirmations came in the past year. As I attempt to find the person who is supposed to fit into this adventure with me, I find myself saying “no,” to some of the greatest people I’ve had the pleasure of dating. But, I get off-course; something feels off, and despite their abilities to say and do all of the right things, I can’t shake the feeling that they’re not a true fit. But, both looked me in the eye after I broke pieces of their hearts and said to me “I’m proud of you. I’ve never met anyone like you. And thank you.” That’s not how break-ups go… why me?

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Maybe these moments don’t seem like anything to you who are reading them. But they were monumental for me. Brief, yet significant moments that have given me the strength to say “yes” to this mission; that allow me push through the setbacks and keep driving towards whatever this goal may be; that give me the peace of mind that whatever this THING is… it’s real.

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I have clear visions, yes. You see me as I share them on a regular basis: helping others find authenticity, providing inspiration to push through hurt, being an example of health and wellness, providing resources for freedom and full-on creative-living, etc. But the bigger purpose… the THING I keep referencing with all caps… I don’t know what that is yet.  I get glimpses of it, I can physically feel it, I have moments of clarity where I feel like I’m on the cusp of finding it… but, I’m mostly still chasing.

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Everything I post on social media, everything I write, everything I say. everything I do… I can guarantee you it’s me attempting to fulfill this destiny I feel I’ve been given. Every picture, every quote, every statistic, every promotion of my brand… I am sincerely providing information that I feel like people need to take the next step in whatever journey they are on.

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Usually by the time I get the end of a post I feel closure. Writing is my outlet, and even in person, I use words as a means to process, think, and draw conclusions. I don’t know where I’m going with this tonight… I’ll be honest with you. My head is spinning, I am overwhelmed, and I am wondering if I’m ever going to feel like I am doing this right.

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Truth be told I just needed to share. I have such a hard time describing this THING to people. Because it’s a feeling. It’s a belief. It’s intrinsic knowledge that I just have to do it. And it’s lonely. I see other people get lost in my whirlwind of energy and words as I try to describe it. I see the doubt in the eyes of the people closest to me as they worry I’ll never be content. Even with my biggest cheerleaders, they are supportive, and understanding, and say all the things I need to hear… but, there’s a distance. Almost like “YOU GO GIRL! YOU SO GOT THIS! I AM ROOTING FOR YOU… from over here…”

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This is a lot. And it’s just the surface of all the feelings I have about it. I could publish a novel on how I worry I made this whole thing up just to feel special, to avoid close relationships, to overcome the pain of my past. But, I can’t go there. I’ve started over so many times, and I keep coming back to this THING. It’s my core. It’s unavoidable.

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I am learning to lean into this destiny a little more. It really is an honor, if I take a deep breath and think about it. Who am I that the Universe decided I get to be the executer of this great mission? I must be something special if I get to do this. It’s unlike me to exude pride or arrogance, and I worry that these would be the energies I’d admit if I fully let myself embrace this mission.

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What do you think? If I fully embraced this mission… let my freak fly… ran full-steam ahead without any fear of what people thought of me… what could happen? I’ve run through the best-case and worst-case scenarios a thousand times in my head. My conclusion is that I’m still playing small because I don’t want to push people away and end up alone. But, as I said above, I’m already feeling lonely, so what’s the difference, right? And if the whole point of this mission is to inspire positive change in others’ lives, couldn’t I trust that there will inevitably be connections?

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It’s amazing how fear can overpower logic.

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I don’t know, MavPack. I don’t know what inspired this post tonight. I think this is me asking for help. I have been seeking community and validation and support. I give a lot. I fill a lot of buckets. I have joy, I have drive, I have friends, and I’m so so grateful for those things/people. I want to be very clear about that. But there’s still something missing. I am seeking the energy of belief, and strength, and empowerment, and persistence.

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I am ready to receive. In whatever way, shape, or form that comes, I am grateful and open.

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As always, thank you for letting me share. Let’s FLI!

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